The Godfather

Yeah its me again!  Back like I never left this batch, huh!  No seriously, I have just been trying to stay a float and I am truly coming to realize I may need some necessary counseling.  I am still not dealing with my father’s death well, but I am living and trying to move on with life.  It has been rough and I never thought I would feel this must pain, angry and resentment toward some people.  My emotions are out of wack, but heck I will be aight!

Well, this post is about my Godfather who has always been dear to my life.  He grew  up with my father and they have known each other since the tender age of 6.  He always been a permanent fixture in my life and I think at times I have taken him for granted.  I can remember him being on his death-bed after having one of his heart attacks.  I can remember talking to him as he laid there unable to talk back.  I told Tee that I couldn’t imagine something happening to him, and I just refuse to think of death as an outcome, so I removed it totally from my mind.  Thank God he made it through and is still here with us.

Ironically, his middle is my father’s first name.  He has done so many things for my family.  I can recall him bailing my little brother out of jail a few times, lending money to my mom and dad for various situations and taking me fishing.  I was in elementary school when he took me fishing and we stopped by Mikey D’s that morning to grab a bite for breakfast.  We docked ourselves on the edge of the lake and cast our fishing rods into the water.  Believe it or not this was exciting and refreshing for me, but being young the wait was driving me crazy.  Of course, I never did catch one single fish and my outlook on fishing been different ever since.  I always admired him taking the time out of his busy life to do that when my father hadn’t.  Another fond memory I have was him helping me on my science project that was about electricity.  We built this huge model house and he took  flashlight bulbs and placed them throughout the model house.  Then connected the bulbs to an outside switch along with two batteries to generate the electricity throughout the model house.  With one flick of the switch “We Had Light”.  Let me be honest my mind drifted midway through the projected, but he did finish it for me and I took first place in the science fair at school.

All those things I mentioned are great and I am forever grateful to him for his acts of kindness toward my family and I.  Hell, he really isn’t a Godfather, but an uncle and family.  He always been at all of my father’s family funerals.  When my uncle was killed he was there and also when my grandmother and my other uncle passed away he was right there on 75 South in the van with us to attend the funerals.  Most importantly he was there when my father died.  He was there until the bitter end when we pulled the plug.  He really held up good despite the circumstances, but I think he was trying to be strong for my brothers, sisters and I. 

Even though I love him it is still difficult for me to have a conversation with him about my father.  Just to painful, but strange because I can talk to other people and even a stranger about my father’s death.  It been this way for a while and I noticed it a long time ago.  It is hard for me to talk to his other friends without it being emotional, so I don’t carry on that type of conversation with them.  My father knew every and anybody, but I always knew few I would have considered his friend.  When you are in the streets and selling or using drugs there isn’t any true friends.  Everybody is latched onto you for something and it is usually a fix or money.  That’s just the way the game goes.  So when my father was dying it really didn’t surprise me too much of who showed up to show love to my family.  These three guys that are my father friend I been knowing all of my life. 

One of the most important thing I think a person can do is be there for the family/person after the storm clears.  My Godfather truly has done that, but once again that wasn’t a surprise.  Know matter how much drugs my father used, he never stop being his friend and loving him and seeing that person who he had remember growing up with in the country of Lagrange, Georgia.  I hope and pray I can be half the Godfather he was to me.  It is such a big deal to be a Godfather to me and I try not to take it for granted.  Just typing his makes me think of my Godson.  I was very mindful when I chose who I wanted to be my kids Godfather.  I knew it had to be someone who would be there for them in life as well as in case of my untimely death.  Someone they can depend on for advice and guidance.  For that I salute my Godfather for his unconditional love for me and my family as well as for my father who truly was his brother.  Thank you and I am eternally grateful.

 

 

“Every single person has capabilities, abilities and gifts. Living a good life depends on whether those capabilities can be used, abilities expressed and gifts given. If they are, the person will be valued, feel powerful and well-connected to the people around them. And the community around the person will be more powerful because of the contribution the person is making.” —–JOHN P. KRETZMANN AND JOHN L. MCKNIGHT

I Rather Reminisce Over You

 It has been a long time.  This title comes from the rap song that Pete Rock and CL Smooth had and it was played over a smooth melody that just takes you back to a place of memories that’s embedded in your mind and some memories locked away in your Pandora’s box.  I can’t say I haven’t been inspired, because I am inspired every day and

I Rather Reminisce Over You

every moment of my life.  With the passing of my father…words can’t even began to describe how I feel.  Honestly, I won’t even try.  Maybe one day in the distance future I will blog about the chain of events that took place leading up to his homegoing.  I always say that I won’t blog about issues that I haven’t resolve within myself.  At this point in my life I will probably never be able to resolve the pain and emptiness that I feel inside not having my daddy.  You truly wouldn’t understand unless you have experience a death of a parent.  In addition, sometimes it is hard for me to write unless I am inspired because if I do blog and not inspired then it would be artificial. 

I just want to add this disclaimer, this blog “I Rather Reminisce Over You” was a draft and was set to be posted like last year, but do to the chain of events that has occurred in my life I am changing it.  I once heard somebody say that some of the worst times were the best times.  I agree with that to an extend because growing up in the projects we always had each other.  If we didn’t have anything else we have a lot of cohesiveness that kept us together through thick in thin.  Yeah, growing up in the PJ’s (low income housing) was rough, but we had each other and I probably experience somethings other kids didn’t get the opportunity to live through. 

I truly don’t know where to begin, because it is six months later and my emotions are still all over the place.  Even as I blog about my father my eyes start to water.  Since, his homegoing this has been on the regular.  Of course, not as much as it initially was, but it is still common and the same theme.  That theme is, “I can’t believe you’re not here with me.”  I can’t call it.  Sometimes I feel like that same little boy in the PJ’s that yearn for a father.  I just never thought my father’s death would have this type of effect on me.  I think about some of my blogs I wrote about him, and they were all true without a doubt, but what I realize is that I thirst for his acceptance more than I thought or even realized.  I realize now that I truly did care what he thought.  Bare with me people, because I am trying to get through this blog.

It’s sad that it takes a death for you to appreciate somebody.  Maybe I am harvesting guilt, because I took his life for granted.  I don’t know.  I just didn’t see it coming and I miss him like hell.  It was never that I hated him, but I just wanted him to kick the drug habit.  Early in January 2010 he went to a rehab and I was so proud of him, because this was the first time in my life that I saw him make an attempt.  Now looking back at it I am sure that he probably made self-imposed attempts that were unsuccessful.  Trying to kick a heroin addiction is going to take major help beyond yourself and plenty of praying.  I realize it ain’t easy being a black man in America, which I am not trying to make excuses for him.  What I am saying that I empathize with him more now than ever.  I was bless and fortunate that I didn’t make those mistakes, but I did make plenty of them and the same ones that he made.  Only difference is that I didn’t get caught up.  I always thought I was different from him, because I didn’t use drugs.  In reality, I was selling drugs from weed to crack and even brokerage heroin deals.  The same poison that help to take his life.   Maybe I owe atonement, who knows?   I understand how it hurt to watch your dreams defer and how you so desperately want to provide the finer things in life for your children and wife.  I understand how it can rotten the core of your existence to not be able to make ends meet.  Regardless, it does something to your manhood that only a true man could understand.  By all means, that don’t mean to give up, but you have to find strength in the Lord and grab a hold of His hand.  It was just one of those things that he struggle with and I understand that we all have some type of struggles that we deal with even if it is not a drug addiction.  I just didn’t show enough empathy, because I was only thinking of myself and how I felt like my father had messed up my life.

See, God gave me the father that he wanted me to have.  I am eternally grateful for Arthur L. Patrick Sr. being in my life regardless if it was by my standards or perception of what a father was supposed to be.  I can remember him driving me to my college orientation and sitting out in the car for hours waiting on me to finish up with the tour and placement test.  I can remember me asking him to ride with me to Jeffersonville and then I got up there and only brought a pair of socks.  I can recall when I was young how I felt he was larger than life and my hero.  Yeah, he used drugs, but he never told me no when I wanted to follow him or go with him to hang out.  I remember when I first got jumped and he ran to the fight with a knife and was swing it trying to protect me. 

Sorry, I am going to end this blog right here and just post it.  It is just too painful for me right now.

“Well Man, sometimes in order for someone to live someone has to die.” – Tiffany G

My Moment of Clarity

So a smirk was all on my face/ Like damn that man’s face was just like my face/ So Pop I forgive/ For all the shit that I live through/ It wasn’t all your fault/ Homie you got caught/ And to the same game I fought/ That Unk Al lost/ My big brothers and so many others I saw/ I’m just glad we got to see each other/ Talk and re-meet each

Moment of Clarity

 other – Jay – Z “Moment of Clarity”

These bars in Jay-Z’s rap song always reminded me of my own situation concerning my Pop’s.  I could truly relate and I’ve been reading Decoded in my spare time to while my father lay lifeless in a hospital’s bed.  Wow!  That is all I could think.  Look at this man, he looks terrible.  I had avoid going to the hospital to visit him up until that point.  I just knew it would bother me, so I knew the best way for me to deal with it was keep going on about my daily life as if he’s just a little sick.  I just had to decide in my mind that I owe it to this guy to go visit him, so I did.  BIG MISTAKE!

I continue to tell myself that it’s his fault that he’s in this condition and wasting away.  I continued to tell myself that we all have the choice to do what we want and live how we want.  Of course, all of this is true, but there are consequences to every decision or choice we make.  Like Neo in the Matrix.  Red or green pill, chose one.  You know I haven’t been the greatest person when it comes to making choices.  Hell, I guess it something I inherit from my father. 

Well, let me get back to the lyrics and why I connect and internalize these words while they play over an instrumental that’s somber, but banging.  My father choice of poison is heroin  just like in the song and just like Jay Z my Uncle Al (it was his Uncle Ray, but I changed the lyrics) lost his life in a drug deal gone bad.  It affected my father because my uncle was the baby and he had move from the South to Dayton, so my father should have been protecting him from the perils of the city life.  I forgiven my father for all the things he took me through and the same game that claim my uncle life as well as many of my friends and peers I managed to contribute to by broking deals or distributing in some fashion.  Usually, I never put that must information in a blog because I don’t want to incriminate myself, but I am being transparent for I can

Decoded

handle my own issue with my father’s condition.  Unlike Jay-Z he had a conversation with his father about why he walked out on him and his sisters.  I never had that conversation and I can’t say that I want it now either.  At one time in my life I did want to have that conversation for closure, but I realize for me it wasn’t going to do any good.  No matter what he would have said wouldn’t have been good enough or excusable to me.  He just would not have able to convey to me why he wasn’t actively involved in my life.  Unlike Jay Z my father never walked out on me, well…lol, he came back when it did.  He was there physically, but that was about it, so he was gone mentally, emotionally and even spiritually while I looked or communicated with him.  It’s funny, because Jay-Z mention the same thing in the sense that it wasn’t going to do any good for the questions and answer session between him and his father.  I don’t buy it because his father did apologize to him.  Hell, I really don’t think that would make me a bit of difference for me.

Now, back to the present.  Why it was a BIG MISTAKE?  Well, as I sat there in the chair at my father bedside and looking at him made this visit far more emotional than I ever expected.  I watched him as his head justslumber down to his chest.  He was sleeping and just seemed tirer and restless.  My father was always a small man, so he couldn’t afford to lose any weight.  You could tell that things were taking a toll on him physically.  He had played the street game to the fullest and just abuse his body to exhaustion and it sad, but being in the hospital helpless was the only way he was going to get any rest.  My visit lasted less than 15 minutes, because I had seen enough and my tear ducks had started to fill up.  YEP!  It’s time for me to go, I said to myself.  One of the things that eats at me like cancer is that he didn’t have to live life-like that.  I am going to be more honest, right now I can’t even pray for him and it not out of angry either.  I am so far from being angry at him, but I am more hurt as if I am still that little boy.  Not for him missing birthdays, never saying he loved me or for throwing the football with me.  I can’t say that we never had any good times, but we had some moments that are forever chisel in my brain and print in my heart.  I think I am more bother, because of what could have been between a father and son, but instead I only got glimpse of moments in times we share, snap shots.  It really doesn’t matter, because I know I love that man regardless of any situations.  You know I have cracked jokes about how he was looking, but that is only to masked the pain that I am feeling inside.  The best way for me to deal with this and my forever topsy-turvy world is by not visiting that hospital anymore.

[Chorus] Thank God for granting me this monent of clarity/ This moment of honesty/ The world’ll feel my truths…. – Jay Z, Moment of Clarity

Allow me to REINTRODUCED MYSELF…

I can’t call this a welcome back because I truly never disappeared, but lets say I went on sabbaitical .  I really can’t say I haven’t been inspired, because I have.  I am inspired by everything and it is truly countless to name them all.  I just choose to ignore my inspirations to write.  Life has been pulling me in different directions and at times been full of frustration.  Now, I will say this as a disclaimer, I will not blog about anything that I have not resolve within myself.  Once, and only once I have resolved that issues then I will blog about it.  Of course, somethings I will reframe from speaking about unless I get permission and out of respect.

You know life have taken me into a different direction than what I planned.  Oh boy, has it!  You know I never saw my life at this point in time with the constant struggle, and hustle of managing life woes or pitfalls.  I have been blessed to maneuver myself and family for all of the twist in turns to sustain ourselves.  I once heard someone say if you ask a group of young children what they want to be when they grow up that nobody is going to say a drug addict.  Sometimes the choices we pick derails us and take us on a roll coaster ride or a nightmare, but regardless it’s a journey.  I constantly preach to my children (who’s 5 and 6 years old) that you got to make the right choices and think for yourself.  I am sure one day that those words are going to come back and hunt me when they chose to go the opposite direction of where I want them to. 

I say many things to them.  One day my son and I was studying his spelling words for the test that he had for the next day.  I was drilling those spelling words to him over and over and over again.  Constantly having him to recite them and spelling them, because through repetition that he will learn to spell them.  We had study days before to, but this was a short week.  We had to travel to New York, because of a family death and he had a program that week that wouldn’t allow him to study as much as we would have wanted to.  Anyway, he got tired and asked me why do we keep going over these words.  I explained to him and I can’t remember what I say, but it was something harsh.  At times I govern my house through a utilitarian style of leadership.  Believe it or not sometimes I think all of the leadership styles are useful depending on the situation.  Finally, through my harsh and insensitive speaking I had a epiphany.  I sat him down and looked him in the eyes and said, “You just do the best you can.  We have studied and I know you’re trying.”  I am just a firm believer that’s all you can do at times.  Now, I do understand that sometimes that your best is not good enough.  You can rest assured that you gave it your all and have that personal satisfaction and gratification.  Yeah, the outcome may not be something tangible, but you can learn more from a failure than success. 

I don’t have any purpose for this blog besides to ramble and put one out.

Papers

What’s happening people?  I know it been a minute since I blogged.  I won’t say that I am back but this will be a start at least to me starting to blog again.  It is like a basketball player that has retired or haven’t played the game in a while.  You never forget how to play but you have to find your shot or rhythm and that just comes with time and putting up a lot of rep’s.  It’s the same thing with this blogging for me.  Eventually, I will find my rhythm and be blogging more consistently.  I hope.

You know Usher has this new song called, “Papers” and it is touching on his marry life with his wife Tameka.  I can’t lie I like the song but feel a little guilty about liking a song about a marriage ending and filing for divorce.  I am not a Usher’s fan so I truly could care less if he stayed married or not but with that being said I hate to see a divorce take place for some reason.  I am not saying I don’t believe in it because I personally do.  Sometimes it is what it is and you have to do what you have to do. 

Sometimes we know what we’re getting ourselves into when we go out and get married.  Man, if she didn’t cook when the both of you dated than I don’t know how you can expect things to change when you get married.  I just don’t think the aspect of marriage is what going to change a person.  The person themselves is going to have to want to change.  I won’t get all biblical on you all.  I will leave that to someone who’s going to leave a comment. 

This may not sound correct or may even step on someone toes but I just don’t know if I was single if I could handle a woman with kids.  For a lot of reasons.  You truly have to take into account all aspect of that person history with someone else.  Regardless it is going to affect you because of that child’s mother or father.  My partner use to try to explain somethings to me and I truly didn’t understand it and I would argue against it.  In retrospect I understand what he was saying and why he would prefer his kids not to marry someone with kids. 

Let me get to the point here.  A friend of mines been married for some time now but his wife had kids from a previous relationship.  I had my own opinion about the marriage but never spoke because he never asked and I didn’t feel comfortable doing so.  Maybe that makes me a terrible friend, I don’t know.  I’ll let you decide and be the judge.  I just felt like his mind was made up and my reason wasn’t because she had children either.  It is not like I can predict the future but people you know you have witness a situation that you JUST know is a MISTAKE.  Well, that’s the way I felt.  I know within in my heart my friend knew it too but as long as he’s happy then I am happy for him.  It’s strange because had this been any other situation I would have spoken up.

Let’s fast forward because I don’t want to draw this thing out.  I won’t give you too much background information, I’ll let you fill in the blanks how you see fit.  He has been the only father those kids have known and they call him daddy.  All of a sudden after eight years the father want to appear in the children lives.  The father founded my friend wife on Facebook.  See, people Facebook is no good…LOL.  Anyway, my friend tells his wife how he feels about it and that he really don’t want him seeing them and just let him go through the court system to get visitation.  It is a mess now with this stranger (father) coming back into the picture and I personally suspect he’s just trying to sleep with my friend wife in the process.  Well, he expressed himself but left the choice up to her.  She decided to let the father communicate with the children on the phone…etc.

That’s the basics of the story but there is more and I just won’t go into it all.  I just don’t know.  I am not saying it is grounds for divorce so please do interpret it like that.  They were doom from the beginning anyway and it goes deeper than this one situation.  It’s sad because I know my friend loves his wife but there is nothing he’s going to do right to satisfy that woman.  Yes, I only know one side of the story but my Spidy’s senses telling me that he’s in the right. 

Let me clear myself up even more.  I am truly not saying don’t married anyone with kids.  Now, you have to be mindful of what you’re getting yourself into and that includes marrying somebody without kids.  I just feel like I would have to have a sit down with the father (s) and get to at least introduce myself to them.  I just will have to have some rules to this arrangement of being involved with this woman.  Let not assume that everybody is going to handle this situation correctly or what I consider correctly.  All that late night calling and popping up, she arguing back and forward with him while I’m on the couch watching television…etc.  Naw, dawg that got to stop!  We just have to come up with a better plan.  My friend always told me know matter what put your family first.  PERIOD!  I think I’ll take his advice.  In my other friend’s case, he might have to get ready and sign those papers.

“I don’t care how poor a man is; if he has family, he’s rich”.  ~Dan Wilcox and Thad Mumford, “Identity Crisis,” M*A*S*H

D.O.F

Hey, people!  I can’t call it to be honest with you.  I truly have been experiencing an awaking sort a speak.  Life has been rocky for me but that’s nothing new but I tell you that you have to be thankful.

Well I know you’re trying to figure out what’s D.O.F means.  Let me tell you it is Death Of Facebook.  Don’t get me wrong I enjoy Facebook but I have decide to fall back a bit because it just has not been productive for me.  Maybe if I had access to it on my phone it would be more difficult.  Don’t get me wrong I enjoy reconnecting with my past associate but straight up and down there are people on there that I probably wouldn’t speak to if I saw them out.  That’s vice versa too and it not because there is beef between us, I guess we probably don’t really have anything to talk about.  I have not gotten the courage to end my relationship with Facebook completely because I have not taken it down yet.  I have truly taken a break from logging on unless somebody send me a message or something.

Life is a beautiful struggle, I once saw on a Facebook’s status.  Yes it is!  I started my detoxing on Facebook last Friday or Saturday but then I received a message from one of my college friends through Facebook.  Of course, I checked it and she told me how another college friend of ours passed away.  I could not believe it for some reasons.  I am totally in shock.  What’s strange is I can remember the last time I logged in and my college friend last status continue to play in my mind.  She left a status on Friday or Saturday.  I can’t remember nobody elses status but her’s and I don’t know why her’s stood out because it wasn’t anything special.  I never knew that would be her last status post.  This made the news even more unbelievable.

As I read my friend e-mail about our friend passing away I just said to myself, naw she just posted a status.  I knew my friend wasn’t lying but I was just surprised.  Of course, I logged into Facebook to reply to my friend and I just couldn’t resist checking on our friend who passed away page.  Sure enough there were condolences on her page which provided me with the confirmation that she was no longer her in the physical.  I am still uncertain what happen.  I continue to log onto Facebook and check her page when I never checked it before now.  I just read over the heart-felt messages that has been left by her friends and family.  As time goes on I am sure I won’t be strolling through her page but just like certain people who have come into my life our memories are forever stretched into my mind.  I am already prepared for a moment in the future when she will just suddenly pop into my mind.

While I struggle with my finances, jobless and family issues I am absolutely bless to be alive.  Things could be a lot worst and I just told my dude P. Love that I can’t complain about the lay off because I am here talking to you, I can see my kids’ smiles, my mama alive, Tee is still by my side…etc. a job is the smallest variable in that equation.  I know I or we need it to survive but I will let God take care of that part as I continue to plug away at new employment opportunities.  Just have your priorities together and value what’s most important in live.  You never know when it will be your last status post.  Rest In Peace Ony and you will truly be missed.

” Has been taking care of myself through shopping therapy at beachwood mall.” Onyero Onyeacholem (last status on Sat. 11/7/09 12:31 a.m. via Mobile web)

Shop away Ony!

I’m Not My Hair

Let me be honest I like my hair.  I don’t know why because it is no different from anybody elses.  I am just happy that I still have it.  I am not the one that gets involved in what some people call “good hair”.  It is that hair on some black people that’s curly, sometimes long and straight.  I mess with a couple of my partners about their hair just because, but it is usually doing one of our cracking sessions.  Hair is Hair.

I do not have a problem with the way people wear their hair or what they do to it.  Heck, it’s theirs so do as you please.  This blog really is not about people hair but I just wanted to touch on that topic.  I know growing up at one time that was a big deal that the guy or girl had curly or long hair.  It is funny because that is such a joke, but if that is what a person is into then I really have to wonder about them some.  That maybe a judgemental statement but it has to be a reason that someone my ages or close to it is using hair as a criteria for being with somebody. 

To the main topic, we all are going to get old and that is the natural process of human evoluation.  There is just no way around it.  Sometimes it is going to be your speed, hair, skin…etc. but it is going to happen if you live long enough.  Well, I have two gray hairs on the side of my head and like four in my beard.  The first time I saw them I was thrown back because I am not that old and I always pride myself on the way I have aged.  I see Father Time thinks differently.  I am very fortunate because my brothers are going bald and one of them younger than me.  With all that is going on in my life I am surprise I don’t have more gray hairs because I am going to shift some of the blame on my kids…LOL.  I refuse to hide it or cover it up, plus it is not that many but even so I probably wouldn’t do it.  I am grateful that I am able to live to see a little gray in my hair. I am not where I want to be in life but I love being my age and me.  Yeah, at times life sucks to me…but I’m good though.

“I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am not your expectations no no
I am not my hair
I ma not this skin
I am a soul that lives within” – India Arie

All Falls Down

I bumped into this woman that I knew from the past.  Actually, she was cool but I grew up with a close friend of hers.  Initially, I did not recognize her because you know over time some of us change within our appearances.  I called out her name and she spoke back, acknowledging me and recognizing me right away.  I start asking her about a friend of hers which she told me that they were first cousins.  I was surprise because I had no ideas all these years.

Well, I was avoiding asking about her friend that I grew up with, but she brought her name up in the conversation.  Well, I wouldn’t use  avoiding but it was the undeniable because they were like peas in a pod growing up.  When she brought her name up I started asking questions right away on how she was doing…etc.  The last I heard from her she was married and was moving to Tennessee.  Her friend informed me that she was back in the city and had been for sometime and she had three little girls.  I didn’t mean to react the way I did, but I said “THREE GIRLS”!  I knew before she moved she had a daughter by a bum but that is beside the point and I won’t get into that story.  The friend goes onto tell me that she is not married any more and she just had a baby that is about to turn two.

Now,  I am surprise because I just never envision this young lady with three kids and on top of that by three different men.  WHEW!  You really have to understand because I am thinking not her.  She always been a fairly bright young lady which I am not saying that she isn’t now but I just didn’t see life the way it is for her now.  Heck, who to say she is not happy because I haven’t spoken to  her.  I wish her the best in life.

All of this made me think.  I am so far from where I want to be and maybe someone had some expectations of me and I did not live up to it.  Who knows?  I remember this girl from my childhood saying, “I thought you would be an architect or something because you use to love to draw.”  Another girl from high school mentioned that she was surprise I have kids and in a committed relationship because she just knew I would be a bachelor and touring the world. 

To their dismay I did not me or exceed any of their expectations but I am grateful for the life I have.  I am not fully satisfied with certain aspects of my life but life is not over, so there is still an ending coming to my life story.  It’s funny how we put expectations on other people.  Maybe people see something in you that you don’t see in yourself when their expectations are high, maybe it just the way we carried ourselves in the past or maybe they were living their life thorough the expectations they had of you. 

[Syleena Johnson]
Oh when it all…
It All Falls Down
(And When it All Falls Down Who You Gunna Call Now?)
Im Tellin You All ..
It All Falls Down
(Cmon Cmon And When It Falls Down)

Oh …. Yah … Watcha Gunna Do When It All Falls Down? – Kanye West, All Falls Down, Chorus

Losing My Religion

Well, people what can I say?  I am going to provide you with a little bit more honesty that I know some people may crucify me for.  But, oh well!  You know I don’t mine going to church at all and actually I enjoy it.  I don’t get the opportunity to attend on Sundays because I work, so I try to make Bible Study.  I am not always successful in my attempt to make it because somtime things come up and the other part I am just plain out lazy sometimes.

I attended church when I was younger but I can’t really say I was brought up in the church like most people I know.  I wasn’t going church hoping, hanging with church members after church (those extremely long pow wows), going to service constantly and attending all of the other church activities or functions that you can think of.  Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against anybody who does.  I know Tee was brought up in church and her family basically lived there and would spend the night sometimes.  Heck, I always joke but they prayed until they saw Jesus Christ in the flesh.  They were serious!

Well, people that is just not me.  I don’t mine going like I mentioned but I don’t want to do morning service… then afternoon service…then revival next three days…then pastor’s anniversary…then youth services…etc.  Maybe that is wrong and if so just pray for me but that is how I feel though.  Heck, sometimes these things are all in one week!  I heard the pastor say that church is the best place to be (I agree BUT) and kids need to be there because they can stay out of trouble. 

Now I want to spend time with my kids and it’s just us and not the whole congregation and I am in one room and they are in another.  Sometimes I just do not want to go to church that much.  I do not want it to consume my entire schedule for the week.  I just pick and choose what I want to attend.  Once again, maybe that is wrong but that is what I do.  It’s like this, for example, I want to put my children in soccer but it is on Wednesdays’ evenings  but that conflict with Bible Study.  The games are on the same days they practice and this would be a great time for me because I would be able to see them play in the game and attend all the practices.  Well, I said I would put them into basketball again but the games and practices are on Saturdays, plus I would have to get my people (family) to take them.  My whole purpose of their extracircurilator is for them to have something of their own.  My first thought is to put Bible Study to the back and I don’t think I am wrong for that or alternate days between Bible Study and soccer. 

Now, I am not saying church is unimportant.  NO, that is not it at all but I just don’t want to be there all the time.  I know I have to be an example to my children and I know they are watching, so I try to be aware of my behavior or attitude.  One day I didn’t go to Bible Study and I was just flat out being defiant and was upset that particular day.  I asked my son why he didn’t go to church and he said he wanted to be with me.  I thought to myself like I got to change this because I don’t want him to not want to go.  I had to force this boy to go to our church’s conference.  Please believe me people I am trying to send the right message BUT with that said I still don’t want to be in there all day or most of the week.

Church is important by all means.  Some blessing can only be received by going to church.  The Lord want us to fellowship with each other.  What’s that verse?  When one or more gather in my name I shall be there…etc.  Yeah, I know that is not the verse correctly but you  know the scripture.   That’s doesn’t mean that I am not taking any time out of my life to be with the Lord or pray.  This is not a justification by any means but we focus on the physical building itself and not the church that lies within us.

This is to switch gears some, so walk with me for a little while because I am going to wrap it up.  You know I personally don’t get off into denominations like that.  I am not saying if you do then something is wrong with you.  It just never been my focus.  I grew up Baptist for the most part of my life, I am not a current member of a  Baptist’s church but that don’t mean that I think their theological teaching are wrong either.  I go where I am lead to go.  Some of us keep the same denomination because that is the way we were raised and not so much that we believe in it or truly submerged into the Word and have a spiritual understanding of that denomination.  Now, I can’t speak too much but honestly I am ignorant to most of the Word.  See finding God or whoever you believe in is up to you and not mama, papa or your spouse.  So many times some of us stay at the same church we grew up in because it is like the sitcom “Cheers”.  Okay, not a bar but it is a place that everybody knows your name and it has a familiarity that we can go against the grain at certain times and we really don’t have accountabilityfor our action so much.  At times, we may feel as if we own or have some stake in the church because our grandfather/grandmother or great, great grandparents paved the way and our lineage runs so deep that we are personally invested in the church that it is apart of our inhertiance.  Yeah, it varies so I am not generalizing but we just have to make sure it is a place we are suppose to be verses a place (church) we were raised in and a denomination that we have inherit through meiosis.

Still Got Love For You

It’s  strange  when a person been hurt or scarred but is able to forgive and then and only then will the healing process start.  You know all that can be is God putting something in your heart to love your enemies.  I can’t front because I am a work in progress but I have been hurt before put I moved on and I still got love for those people that scarred me. 

I was talking to one of my volunteers and we were talking about life.  I shared with her on different occasions about my life experience which included the Projects, father…etc.  I can remember when there was a time I wouldn’t speak about anything like that because I was ashamed but it is truly therapeutic for me know.  I am never mentioning it because I want sympathy and now that I am older I really do not care what some one thinks or how they precede me.  With that being said when I blog about personal issues and situation I am opening myself up for some judgement and ridicule but I been through war, so I am built for it.

Back to the volunteer, she went on to tell me how her father touched on her and her brother molested her too.  I am going to make this short but through out the years she had angry built up against her brother.  Just so happen somebody died and they had to come face to face with each other.  She said it was uncomfortable and she tried to avoided him but it just didn’t work.  Well, I am going to speed up the story, so she goes over his house with their sister and everybody had been drinking and just relaxing.  This particular brother had too much to drink and he started mentioning how their father would beat him.  How their daddy treated him worst than anybody else and then she finally spoke up mentioned how their daddy use to touch on her.  Immediately, silent fell on the room and her brother (who molested her) told her he had no idea and broke down and started crying.  He started saying that he was sorry for what he did to her and throughout the years he even went to counseling because he was even unsure if it took placed.  He had been trying to bury the thoughts and guilt  in back of his mind and went onto say that some people in the neighborhood had touched him.  She said she give him a hug as he continue to cry and told him it was a learned behavior and she forgive him.

I just founded that interesting because I am how I am about certain situation and at one time in my life my heart could be filled with hate toward someone.  Like always I am not here to say what I would have done or how I would have felt but just knowing myself though it wouldn’t have been pretty.  I talk about my father how he did certain things and I still haven’t mentioned.  Don’t get me wrong I was molested or anything but boy, was I emotionally scarred for some years. 

Even though my father didn’t attend a graduation, basketball game…etc we still had a few good times I can remember.  I can remember when I got jumped and my father came to my rescue with a knife in one hand and a gun in the other.  He was ready to take on all comers that were trying to hurt his son.  That is just one occasion we have a few more here and there.  He never said it but I think he felt I would have be ashamed of him if he showed up to some of those events.  Honestly, as a kid I would have been ashamed.  As I got older there still was graduation (graduate & undergraduate) and it wouldn’t have bothered me but his present would have been welcome and appreciated.  I can’t and don’t apologize for any of my statements regarding my father because it’s the truth.  I am no longer mad but maybe a little disappointed but I am blessed.  Regardless, I still got love for you…

 You know regardless what my father has done toward me in the past I forgive him.  I am not mad at all but maybe a little disappointed.  This is not an excuse for him but I don’t think he knew how to lead because of certain stories I heard about my grandfather.  Yeah, it would have been nice for him to be present during my college graduations, high school graduation, basketball games…etc. but that same absent propelled me to be the person I am today.  See people for real my father has a good genuine heart but it is just clouded and he has succumb to the pressure of the world and the lure of the devil.  Yes, it is unfortunate but it is reality at the same time.  I talk about him sometimes like he don’t exist and that is just being unconscious of it because I am use to life being a certain way. 

Some of the things that he faced or encountered I understand now that I am older and have children.  That is not to let him off the hook but certain things that have happen to me have provided me with an insight on some of his life choices he made.  I made a comment a while back that maybe my father being incarcarated would do him some good.  It would slow down his lide and stop him from spending the rest of his life indulging into drugs.  I hate it to the core but in a lot of ways I am just like you.  I will never be able to explain why you decision to choose that posion over us, your own family but please don’t get caught up in this blog because I still got love for you.

“Still got love for you, though you left me in the cold
To face this world alone, and make it on my own
I still got love for you, but I just can’t fight the pain
It’s so hard not to hate, but you grow up in a way” – Beanie Sigel, Still Got Love for You