I Rather Reminisce Over You

 It has been a long time.  This title comes from the rap song that Pete Rock and CL Smooth had and it was played over a smooth melody that just takes you back to a place of memories that’s embedded in your mind and some memories locked away in your Pandora’s box.  I can’t say I haven’t been inspired, because I am inspired every day and

I Rather Reminisce Over You

every moment of my life.  With the passing of my father…words can’t even began to describe how I feel.  Honestly, I won’t even try.  Maybe one day in the distance future I will blog about the chain of events that took place leading up to his homegoing.  I always say that I won’t blog about issues that I haven’t resolve within myself.  At this point in my life I will probably never be able to resolve the pain and emptiness that I feel inside not having my daddy.  You truly wouldn’t understand unless you have experience a death of a parent.  In addition, sometimes it is hard for me to write unless I am inspired because if I do blog and not inspired then it would be artificial. 

I just want to add this disclaimer, this blog “I Rather Reminisce Over You” was a draft and was set to be posted like last year, but do to the chain of events that has occurred in my life I am changing it.  I once heard somebody say that some of the worst times were the best times.  I agree with that to an extend because growing up in the projects we always had each other.  If we didn’t have anything else we have a lot of cohesiveness that kept us together through thick in thin.  Yeah, growing up in the PJ’s (low income housing) was rough, but we had each other and I probably experience somethings other kids didn’t get the opportunity to live through. 

I truly don’t know where to begin, because it is six months later and my emotions are still all over the place.  Even as I blog about my father my eyes start to water.  Since, his homegoing this has been on the regular.  Of course, not as much as it initially was, but it is still common and the same theme.  That theme is, “I can’t believe you’re not here with me.”  I can’t call it.  Sometimes I feel like that same little boy in the PJ’s that yearn for a father.  I just never thought my father’s death would have this type of effect on me.  I think about some of my blogs I wrote about him, and they were all true without a doubt, but what I realize is that I thirst for his acceptance more than I thought or even realized.  I realize now that I truly did care what he thought.  Bare with me people, because I am trying to get through this blog.

It’s sad that it takes a death for you to appreciate somebody.  Maybe I am harvesting guilt, because I took his life for granted.  I don’t know.  I just didn’t see it coming and I miss him like hell.  It was never that I hated him, but I just wanted him to kick the drug habit.  Early in January 2010 he went to a rehab and I was so proud of him, because this was the first time in my life that I saw him make an attempt.  Now looking back at it I am sure that he probably made self-imposed attempts that were unsuccessful.  Trying to kick a heroin addiction is going to take major help beyond yourself and plenty of praying.  I realize it ain’t easy being a black man in America, which I am not trying to make excuses for him.  What I am saying that I empathize with him more now than ever.  I was bless and fortunate that I didn’t make those mistakes, but I did make plenty of them and the same ones that he made.  Only difference is that I didn’t get caught up.  I always thought I was different from him, because I didn’t use drugs.  In reality, I was selling drugs from weed to crack and even brokerage heroin deals.  The same poison that help to take his life.   Maybe I owe atonement, who knows?   I understand how it hurt to watch your dreams defer and how you so desperately want to provide the finer things in life for your children and wife.  I understand how it can rotten the core of your existence to not be able to make ends meet.  Regardless, it does something to your manhood that only a true man could understand.  By all means, that don’t mean to give up, but you have to find strength in the Lord and grab a hold of His hand.  It was just one of those things that he struggle with and I understand that we all have some type of struggles that we deal with even if it is not a drug addiction.  I just didn’t show enough empathy, because I was only thinking of myself and how I felt like my father had messed up my life.

See, God gave me the father that he wanted me to have.  I am eternally grateful for Arthur L. Patrick Sr. being in my life regardless if it was by my standards or perception of what a father was supposed to be.  I can remember him driving me to my college orientation and sitting out in the car for hours waiting on me to finish up with the tour and placement test.  I can remember me asking him to ride with me to Jeffersonville and then I got up there and only brought a pair of socks.  I can recall when I was young how I felt he was larger than life and my hero.  Yeah, he used drugs, but he never told me no when I wanted to follow him or go with him to hang out.  I remember when I first got jumped and he ran to the fight with a knife and was swing it trying to protect me. 

Sorry, I am going to end this blog right here and just post it.  It is just too painful for me right now.

“Well Man, sometimes in order for someone to live someone has to die.” – Tiffany G

Allow me to REINTRODUCED MYSELF…

I can’t call this a welcome back because I truly never disappeared, but lets say I went on sabbaitical .  I really can’t say I haven’t been inspired, because I have.  I am inspired by everything and it is truly countless to name them all.  I just choose to ignore my inspirations to write.  Life has been pulling me in different directions and at times been full of frustration.  Now, I will say this as a disclaimer, I will not blog about anything that I have not resolve within myself.  Once, and only once I have resolved that issues then I will blog about it.  Of course, somethings I will reframe from speaking about unless I get permission and out of respect.

You know life have taken me into a different direction than what I planned.  Oh boy, has it!  You know I never saw my life at this point in time with the constant struggle, and hustle of managing life woes or pitfalls.  I have been blessed to maneuver myself and family for all of the twist in turns to sustain ourselves.  I once heard someone say if you ask a group of young children what they want to be when they grow up that nobody is going to say a drug addict.  Sometimes the choices we pick derails us and take us on a roll coaster ride or a nightmare, but regardless it’s a journey.  I constantly preach to my children (who’s 5 and 6 years old) that you got to make the right choices and think for yourself.  I am sure one day that those words are going to come back and hunt me when they chose to go the opposite direction of where I want them to. 

I say many things to them.  One day my son and I was studying his spelling words for the test that he had for the next day.  I was drilling those spelling words to him over and over and over again.  Constantly having him to recite them and spelling them, because through repetition that he will learn to spell them.  We had study days before to, but this was a short week.  We had to travel to New York, because of a family death and he had a program that week that wouldn’t allow him to study as much as we would have wanted to.  Anyway, he got tired and asked me why do we keep going over these words.  I explained to him and I can’t remember what I say, but it was something harsh.  At times I govern my house through a utilitarian style of leadership.  Believe it or not sometimes I think all of the leadership styles are useful depending on the situation.  Finally, through my harsh and insensitive speaking I had a epiphany.  I sat him down and looked him in the eyes and said, “You just do the best you can.  We have studied and I know you’re trying.”  I am just a firm believer that’s all you can do at times.  Now, I do understand that sometimes that your best is not good enough.  You can rest assured that you gave it your all and have that personal satisfaction and gratification.  Yeah, the outcome may not be something tangible, but you can learn more from a failure than success. 

I don’t have any purpose for this blog besides to ramble and put one out.

D.O.F

Hey, people!  I can’t call it to be honest with you.  I truly have been experiencing an awaking sort a speak.  Life has been rocky for me but that’s nothing new but I tell you that you have to be thankful.

Well I know you’re trying to figure out what’s D.O.F means.  Let me tell you it is Death Of Facebook.  Don’t get me wrong I enjoy Facebook but I have decide to fall back a bit because it just has not been productive for me.  Maybe if I had access to it on my phone it would be more difficult.  Don’t get me wrong I enjoy reconnecting with my past associate but straight up and down there are people on there that I probably wouldn’t speak to if I saw them out.  That’s vice versa too and it not because there is beef between us, I guess we probably don’t really have anything to talk about.  I have not gotten the courage to end my relationship with Facebook completely because I have not taken it down yet.  I have truly taken a break from logging on unless somebody send me a message or something.

Life is a beautiful struggle, I once saw on a Facebook’s status.  Yes it is!  I started my detoxing on Facebook last Friday or Saturday but then I received a message from one of my college friends through Facebook.  Of course, I checked it and she told me how another college friend of ours passed away.  I could not believe it for some reasons.  I am totally in shock.  What’s strange is I can remember the last time I logged in and my college friend last status continue to play in my mind.  She left a status on Friday or Saturday.  I can’t remember nobody elses status but her’s and I don’t know why her’s stood out because it wasn’t anything special.  I never knew that would be her last status post.  This made the news even more unbelievable.

As I read my friend e-mail about our friend passing away I just said to myself, naw she just posted a status.  I knew my friend wasn’t lying but I was just surprised.  Of course, I logged into Facebook to reply to my friend and I just couldn’t resist checking on our friend who passed away page.  Sure enough there were condolences on her page which provided me with the confirmation that she was no longer her in the physical.  I am still uncertain what happen.  I continue to log onto Facebook and check her page when I never checked it before now.  I just read over the heart-felt messages that has been left by her friends and family.  As time goes on I am sure I won’t be strolling through her page but just like certain people who have come into my life our memories are forever stretched into my mind.  I am already prepared for a moment in the future when she will just suddenly pop into my mind.

While I struggle with my finances, jobless and family issues I am absolutely bless to be alive.  Things could be a lot worst and I just told my dude P. Love that I can’t complain about the lay off because I am here talking to you, I can see my kids’ smiles, my mama alive, Tee is still by my side…etc. a job is the smallest variable in that equation.  I know I or we need it to survive but I will let God take care of that part as I continue to plug away at new employment opportunities.  Just have your priorities together and value what’s most important in live.  You never know when it will be your last status post.  Rest In Peace Ony and you will truly be missed.

” Has been taking care of myself through shopping therapy at beachwood mall.” Onyero Onyeacholem (last status on Sat. 11/7/09 12:31 a.m. via Mobile web)

Shop away Ony!

I’m Not My Hair

Let me be honest I like my hair.  I don’t know why because it is no different from anybody elses.  I am just happy that I still have it.  I am not the one that gets involved in what some people call “good hair”.  It is that hair on some black people that’s curly, sometimes long and straight.  I mess with a couple of my partners about their hair just because, but it is usually doing one of our cracking sessions.  Hair is Hair.

I do not have a problem with the way people wear their hair or what they do to it.  Heck, it’s theirs so do as you please.  This blog really is not about people hair but I just wanted to touch on that topic.  I know growing up at one time that was a big deal that the guy or girl had curly or long hair.  It is funny because that is such a joke, but if that is what a person is into then I really have to wonder about them some.  That maybe a judgemental statement but it has to be a reason that someone my ages or close to it is using hair as a criteria for being with somebody. 

To the main topic, we all are going to get old and that is the natural process of human evoluation.  There is just no way around it.  Sometimes it is going to be your speed, hair, skin…etc. but it is going to happen if you live long enough.  Well, I have two gray hairs on the side of my head and like four in my beard.  The first time I saw them I was thrown back because I am not that old and I always pride myself on the way I have aged.  I see Father Time thinks differently.  I am very fortunate because my brothers are going bald and one of them younger than me.  With all that is going on in my life I am surprise I don’t have more gray hairs because I am going to shift some of the blame on my kids…LOL.  I refuse to hide it or cover it up, plus it is not that many but even so I probably wouldn’t do it.  I am grateful that I am able to live to see a little gray in my hair. I am not where I want to be in life but I love being my age and me.  Yeah, at times life sucks to me…but I’m good though.

“I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am not your expectations no no
I am not my hair
I ma not this skin
I am a soul that lives within” – India Arie

All Falls Down

I bumped into this woman that I knew from the past.  Actually, she was cool but I grew up with a close friend of hers.  Initially, I did not recognize her because you know over time some of us change within our appearances.  I called out her name and she spoke back, acknowledging me and recognizing me right away.  I start asking her about a friend of hers which she told me that they were first cousins.  I was surprise because I had no ideas all these years.

Well, I was avoiding asking about her friend that I grew up with, but she brought her name up in the conversation.  Well, I wouldn’t use  avoiding but it was the undeniable because they were like peas in a pod growing up.  When she brought her name up I started asking questions right away on how she was doing…etc.  The last I heard from her she was married and was moving to Tennessee.  Her friend informed me that she was back in the city and had been for sometime and she had three little girls.  I didn’t mean to react the way I did, but I said “THREE GIRLS”!  I knew before she moved she had a daughter by a bum but that is beside the point and I won’t get into that story.  The friend goes onto tell me that she is not married any more and she just had a baby that is about to turn two.

Now,  I am surprise because I just never envision this young lady with three kids and on top of that by three different men.  WHEW!  You really have to understand because I am thinking not her.  She always been a fairly bright young lady which I am not saying that she isn’t now but I just didn’t see life the way it is for her now.  Heck, who to say she is not happy because I haven’t spoken to  her.  I wish her the best in life.

All of this made me think.  I am so far from where I want to be and maybe someone had some expectations of me and I did not live up to it.  Who knows?  I remember this girl from my childhood saying, “I thought you would be an architect or something because you use to love to draw.”  Another girl from high school mentioned that she was surprise I have kids and in a committed relationship because she just knew I would be a bachelor and touring the world. 

To their dismay I did not me or exceed any of their expectations but I am grateful for the life I have.  I am not fully satisfied with certain aspects of my life but life is not over, so there is still an ending coming to my life story.  It’s funny how we put expectations on other people.  Maybe people see something in you that you don’t see in yourself when their expectations are high, maybe it just the way we carried ourselves in the past or maybe they were living their life thorough the expectations they had of you. 

[Syleena Johnson]
Oh when it all…
It All Falls Down
(And When it All Falls Down Who You Gunna Call Now?)
Im Tellin You All ..
It All Falls Down
(Cmon Cmon And When It Falls Down)

Oh …. Yah … Watcha Gunna Do When It All Falls Down? – Kanye West, All Falls Down, Chorus

Losing My Religion

Well, people what can I say?  I am going to provide you with a little bit more honesty that I know some people may crucify me for.  But, oh well!  You know I don’t mine going to church at all and actually I enjoy it.  I don’t get the opportunity to attend on Sundays because I work, so I try to make Bible Study.  I am not always successful in my attempt to make it because somtime things come up and the other part I am just plain out lazy sometimes.

I attended church when I was younger but I can’t really say I was brought up in the church like most people I know.  I wasn’t going church hoping, hanging with church members after church (those extremely long pow wows), going to service constantly and attending all of the other church activities or functions that you can think of.  Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against anybody who does.  I know Tee was brought up in church and her family basically lived there and would spend the night sometimes.  Heck, I always joke but they prayed until they saw Jesus Christ in the flesh.  They were serious!

Well, people that is just not me.  I don’t mine going like I mentioned but I don’t want to do morning service… then afternoon service…then revival next three days…then pastor’s anniversary…then youth services…etc.  Maybe that is wrong and if so just pray for me but that is how I feel though.  Heck, sometimes these things are all in one week!  I heard the pastor say that church is the best place to be (I agree BUT) and kids need to be there because they can stay out of trouble. 

Now I want to spend time with my kids and it’s just us and not the whole congregation and I am in one room and they are in another.  Sometimes I just do not want to go to church that much.  I do not want it to consume my entire schedule for the week.  I just pick and choose what I want to attend.  Once again, maybe that is wrong but that is what I do.  It’s like this, for example, I want to put my children in soccer but it is on Wednesdays’ evenings  but that conflict with Bible Study.  The games are on the same days they practice and this would be a great time for me because I would be able to see them play in the game and attend all the practices.  Well, I said I would put them into basketball again but the games and practices are on Saturdays, plus I would have to get my people (family) to take them.  My whole purpose of their extracircurilator is for them to have something of their own.  My first thought is to put Bible Study to the back and I don’t think I am wrong for that or alternate days between Bible Study and soccer. 

Now, I am not saying church is unimportant.  NO, that is not it at all but I just don’t want to be there all the time.  I know I have to be an example to my children and I know they are watching, so I try to be aware of my behavior or attitude.  One day I didn’t go to Bible Study and I was just flat out being defiant and was upset that particular day.  I asked my son why he didn’t go to church and he said he wanted to be with me.  I thought to myself like I got to change this because I don’t want him to not want to go.  I had to force this boy to go to our church’s conference.  Please believe me people I am trying to send the right message BUT with that said I still don’t want to be in there all day or most of the week.

Church is important by all means.  Some blessing can only be received by going to church.  The Lord want us to fellowship with each other.  What’s that verse?  When one or more gather in my name I shall be there…etc.  Yeah, I know that is not the verse correctly but you  know the scripture.   That’s doesn’t mean that I am not taking any time out of my life to be with the Lord or pray.  This is not a justification by any means but we focus on the physical building itself and not the church that lies within us.

This is to switch gears some, so walk with me for a little while because I am going to wrap it up.  You know I personally don’t get off into denominations like that.  I am not saying if you do then something is wrong with you.  It just never been my focus.  I grew up Baptist for the most part of my life, I am not a current member of a  Baptist’s church but that don’t mean that I think their theological teaching are wrong either.  I go where I am lead to go.  Some of us keep the same denomination because that is the way we were raised and not so much that we believe in it or truly submerged into the Word and have a spiritual understanding of that denomination.  Now, I can’t speak too much but honestly I am ignorant to most of the Word.  See finding God or whoever you believe in is up to you and not mama, papa or your spouse.  So many times some of us stay at the same church we grew up in because it is like the sitcom “Cheers”.  Okay, not a bar but it is a place that everybody knows your name and it has a familiarity that we can go against the grain at certain times and we really don’t have accountabilityfor our action so much.  At times, we may feel as if we own or have some stake in the church because our grandfather/grandmother or great, great grandparents paved the way and our lineage runs so deep that we are personally invested in the church that it is apart of our inhertiance.  Yeah, it varies so I am not generalizing but we just have to make sure it is a place we are suppose to be verses a place (church) we were raised in and a denomination that we have inherit through meiosis.

Still Got Love For You

It’s  strange  when a person been hurt or scarred but is able to forgive and then and only then will the healing process start.  You know all that can be is God putting something in your heart to love your enemies.  I can’t front because I am a work in progress but I have been hurt before put I moved on and I still got love for those people that scarred me. 

I was talking to one of my volunteers and we were talking about life.  I shared with her on different occasions about my life experience which included the Projects, father…etc.  I can remember when there was a time I wouldn’t speak about anything like that because I was ashamed but it is truly therapeutic for me know.  I am never mentioning it because I want sympathy and now that I am older I really do not care what some one thinks or how they precede me.  With that being said when I blog about personal issues and situation I am opening myself up for some judgement and ridicule but I been through war, so I am built for it.

Back to the volunteer, she went on to tell me how her father touched on her and her brother molested her too.  I am going to make this short but through out the years she had angry built up against her brother.  Just so happen somebody died and they had to come face to face with each other.  She said it was uncomfortable and she tried to avoided him but it just didn’t work.  Well, I am going to speed up the story, so she goes over his house with their sister and everybody had been drinking and just relaxing.  This particular brother had too much to drink and he started mentioning how their father would beat him.  How their daddy treated him worst than anybody else and then she finally spoke up mentioned how their daddy use to touch on her.  Immediately, silent fell on the room and her brother (who molested her) told her he had no idea and broke down and started crying.  He started saying that he was sorry for what he did to her and throughout the years he even went to counseling because he was even unsure if it took placed.  He had been trying to bury the thoughts and guilt  in back of his mind and went onto say that some people in the neighborhood had touched him.  She said she give him a hug as he continue to cry and told him it was a learned behavior and she forgive him.

I just founded that interesting because I am how I am about certain situation and at one time in my life my heart could be filled with hate toward someone.  Like always I am not here to say what I would have done or how I would have felt but just knowing myself though it wouldn’t have been pretty.  I talk about my father how he did certain things and I still haven’t mentioned.  Don’t get me wrong I was molested or anything but boy, was I emotionally scarred for some years. 

Even though my father didn’t attend a graduation, basketball game…etc we still had a few good times I can remember.  I can remember when I got jumped and my father came to my rescue with a knife in one hand and a gun in the other.  He was ready to take on all comers that were trying to hurt his son.  That is just one occasion we have a few more here and there.  He never said it but I think he felt I would have be ashamed of him if he showed up to some of those events.  Honestly, as a kid I would have been ashamed.  As I got older there still was graduation (graduate & undergraduate) and it wouldn’t have bothered me but his present would have been welcome and appreciated.  I can’t and don’t apologize for any of my statements regarding my father because it’s the truth.  I am no longer mad but maybe a little disappointed but I am blessed.  Regardless, I still got love for you…

 You know regardless what my father has done toward me in the past I forgive him.  I am not mad at all but maybe a little disappointed.  This is not an excuse for him but I don’t think he knew how to lead because of certain stories I heard about my grandfather.  Yeah, it would have been nice for him to be present during my college graduations, high school graduation, basketball games…etc. but that same absent propelled me to be the person I am today.  See people for real my father has a good genuine heart but it is just clouded and he has succumb to the pressure of the world and the lure of the devil.  Yes, it is unfortunate but it is reality at the same time.  I talk about him sometimes like he don’t exist and that is just being unconscious of it because I am use to life being a certain way. 

Some of the things that he faced or encountered I understand now that I am older and have children.  That is not to let him off the hook but certain things that have happen to me have provided me with an insight on some of his life choices he made.  I made a comment a while back that maybe my father being incarcarated would do him some good.  It would slow down his lide and stop him from spending the rest of his life indulging into drugs.  I hate it to the core but in a lot of ways I am just like you.  I will never be able to explain why you decision to choose that posion over us, your own family but please don’t get caught up in this blog because I still got love for you.

“Still got love for you, though you left me in the cold
To face this world alone, and make it on my own
I still got love for you, but I just can’t fight the pain
It’s so hard not to hate, but you grow up in a way” – Beanie Sigel, Still Got Love for You

Farewell My Summer Love

Well, by now the world knows Mike Jackson have die.  If not then you been literally living under a rock.  This blog is a semi-dedication to MJ.  I can remember this song Farewell My Summer Love by MJ.  That was among the many songs I liked from him.  I founded the song yesterday and it made me reminisce a little bit over my youth time during the summer.  I grew up in the Projects but we had some good times.  Nothing like the summer either.  During some of those summers transformation were made from boys to men.  We took leaps and bounds into the life of crime and miscrief nature during some of those summers.  Those summers reminded me of the movie Stand by Me because we were kids exploring life and living what we thought was adventurous.

I can remember one of my summers as a small boy.  I must have been in primary school or a year removed.  I can recall my friends’ cousins coming to spend the summer with them from New Jersey to be exact it was Newark.  Their cousins came just about ever other summer but this particular summer they brought their step sister name Tawana.    It seemed like Tawana had a glow like Tara Hicks, the actress that starred in the movie Bronx Tales and Belly.  It’s funny because I have been to Newark, NJ and that scenery is nothing pretty and Tara Hicks is Tee’s cousin.  Tawana I thought was so beautiful that she would have been that glow to bring color to the city of Newark.

Tawana had long hair, very thin and caramel complexion.  I was young but reflecting back she is what I envision a Jersey’s girl to be.  She had this attitude or swag is what the kids call it today.  I was a shy kid and at that age communicating with girls that you like them was difficult.  At least for me because I was afraid of rejection and everyone laughing at me.  It is silly but I could tell that we had a vibe going on when we played games.  You know those hood games; red rover, hide and seek (you know what it was in the hood)…etc.  Toward the end of the summer we finally broke that gulf of shyness between us and began to hang out secretly.  It was amazing but of course she had to leave and go home.  That was during the early 80’s and I have not saw her again but I will never forget my summer love.

“Farewell my summer love, farewell…I won’t forget you”. – Micheal Jackson 1958-2009

I’m a FLIRT

Is flirting harmless?  Is it as innocent as some of us think?  Well, it probably depend on the situation and person.  I must admit flirting can be a gateway or a corridor for something to happen with another person or your message/signal getting crossed.  They say over 90% of language is body language.  I am not a flirt BUT I have flirted before or in the past.  In the sense of a relationship or marriage is flirting forbidden then because of those circumstances.  I know married people that don’t have a  problem with their mate flirting.  That’s a little strange to me but whatever works for you and your mate I don’t have a problem with personally.  Now I will say this because I do understand people being people and that is married or not that you at least be consideration and not do it in your mate’s face.  Heck, some married people it don’t bother them if flirting is exercise or practice in their face.  Personally, that would be too much for me to stomach.  See their a contradiction because it’s not a bother done behind my back…LOL.  I am not saying that either but what I am saying people are going to be people.

Of course, even if you’re single you have to be careful to an extent.  See, flirting can give off the wrong signal and be interrupted as something it isn’t and you may have a stalker.  Who knows?  I am not blogging to advocate against it or for it I am just putting something out there.  This topic was brought on by one of my volunteers because she mention that it drives the old men crazy when she wear certain outfits.  Don’t get me wrong because they are still respectable because she wouldn’t be volunteering for me.  Not me per sa but you know what I am talking about.  She’s an older lady in her fifties, so their dressing provocatively is different from ours.  For instance, she may where a dress with some long boots.

Of course, I forgot to mention she is a flirt too but that is with everyone.  It took me sometime to understand her but I am the type of person who meet people where they are as long as they are not disrespectful.  Heck, I just see her as an old lady personally.  Her husband volunteers to but he seems fine with it and not bothered.  Maybe they have that trust and he is confident in their marriage so he has nothing to worry about.  Some people may disagree but I think your partner or mate can provide that sense of security that you’re all theirs and you don’t worry about them flirting. 

At the same time flirting can be innocent to a gesture or from a causal dialog being exchange.  In the world we live in we have to be careful because it can be sexual harassment as well.  Yes, people women do too, if not more.  I guess we have to be conscious of where we are at too.  Sometimes maybe it is our motives or intents behind flirting that can make it appear to be innocent.  For instances, you’re flirting with someone but know that is all it is and you’re not even sexually attractive to that person and never had any desire toward him/her to proceed with anything else.  Maybe it is the sense of you wanting to be desired by others beyond your mate and want to be that something you can see but can never have.  Who knows?  We all have our reasons for flirting or not flirting.  We all know are intent or emotions behind it.  I will leave you with this a friend mines told me along time ago if you want to know if something is wrong just imagine things are reverse with your partner/mate and how would you feel.  Once again, I am not saying it’s right or wrong I am just speaking on the topic.  I am sure at some point or time in all of our lives we have flirted.

“Marriage is not a ritual or an end. It is a long, intricate, intimate dance together and nothing matters more than your own sense of balance and your choice of partner.” – Amy Bloom

Is that you God? It’s Me Will

You know most of my blog titles are pulled from songs, book titles, hip hop lyrics…etc.  I just draw from whatever inspires me and today’s blog title is no different.  I remember my sister (can’t remember which one it was) reading a book when I was younger title, “Is that you God?  It’s me Marget” and I can’t figure out why that particular title stuck with me.  Who knows?  Heck, I never was into reading too much when I was younger.  Actually, it was my oldest sister who is six years my senior.  She use to read Judy Bloom books all the time.

Just be patience with me because I am going some where with this blog title.  I am going to try to keep this short and simple as possible.  I just blog my feelings and every now and then I get introspective but I like simplicity though. 

You know we all go through different trials and tribulations in our lives and sometimes it is because we are being disobedient.  Everything we go through is not always the devil.  In my eyes, God rewards and also punishes.  I am not going to go through the Word with you (I really should) but there are example in the Bible when God was not please with man and punished him for misbehaving.  It’s funny some of the people you meet in life and the knowledge or the Word that they share with you stays with forever.  I can remember talking to a young lady and should told me, “Just because you live in the world don’t mean you have to be off the world”.   In essence, what she was saying that I don’t have to adapt to what going on in the world.  Sometimes it seems like the people during wrong are succeeding that don’t mean you have to participate in wrong doing.  Then talking to a strange several years later he said, “I never seen God for sake a righteous man”.  Well, something like that but you get my point.  Sometimes we are focus on the wrong things and we over look our blessings that we have and just consider it to be natural that everybody has a mother that was their for them, that everybody has healthy kids, that everybody has a loving wife, that everybody has had something to eat…etc.  The list goes on.   Well, that is really not the purpose of this blog but I just wanted to state some things and get my blog atmosphere flowing.

You should consult God in every aspect of your life.  That is from a big to a little decisions but I will admit that I am guilty of this because I don’t always consult HIM.  I just pick and chose.  You know I can remember talking to my boy David on a situation.  I will never forgot that he said he pray that God’s will will be done.  This is the same pray that my sister told me years before that she prays for.  David said because if you are not with HIS will then you are against HIM.  That was a pretty profound statement to me.  Like WOW!!!

Of course, I shared with him my thought on this particular topic/life experience he was going through with honesty.  You know sometimes HIS will is not ours and we have to accept that.  HE knows what best for us then we do.  I got to admit that I don’t want to go against God’s will but I am like that little kid and want to do what I want to do.  I am sure we all speak to God (whoever you pray to) at one times or another and expect an answer.  You should but the question is, will you listen?

I know God honors the desire of our hearts and want us to be the lenders and not the borrows.  I know this but in the process to receiving the reward, would you listen?  Everything in life is a test and why should are journey be any different.  We don’t complain when we have to take a driver test.  That is the law that man has written, so we follow the procedures and if we pass we get a driver license (reward).  As you know God’s reward is beyond monetary value, so I won’t go there.  In order to receive a degree you have to endure classes and studying for a series of years.  These rewards are not just handed to you without sacrificing and fighting through it to accomplish a feat.  It’s just not that simple people.

I know everyone believes that they have hear God at some time in their lives.  He will talk to you if you listen.  I am not here to tell anyone that their conversation or voice that they heard wasn’t God because I don’t know what your relationship is with HIM.  Maybe it was God and maybe it wasn’t.  What I am trying to say is this, what God tells you may not be what you want to hear.  I know we are want riches or to be financially stable.  Who don’t?

Sometimes your plans, goals or visions are  not what God has in store for you.  Just maybe your blessing is in community involvement, being a teacher or an artist…etc. These are occupations or avenues that don’t pay much but you’re bless with self gratification because you are helping others.  I know we think of blessings most of the time as a dollar value but that is not always the case.  We think just because we do not have the latest than we are not being blessed abundantly.  Blessings come in many forms and we just overlook them sometimes. 

If you had plans on becoming a singer, actor, writer or whatever career choice that could lead to multimillion dollars and whole heartily felt it was your calling and then God tells you something different.  Would you listen?  If HE told you your path was not an occupation filled with wealth but HE wanted you to develop a grassroots organization to combat against urban violence, would you listen?  Maybe God’s plan is not for you to rich but for you to focus on other aspects of your life and the fruitation of your hard work will be in monetary value that your lineage will receive.  Maybe it’s you who has to sacrifice and break the generational curse but you’re being bless in the process because of your obedience.  You being bless to be able to provide for your family and minister and sow seeds into other people lives. 

You know I want to move out of the city I live in.  I know the Lord knows my desires but maybe HE just don’t see fit for me to do it.  That’s a hard pill for me to digest  because that’s just not my plans.  On the other hand maybe just not right now me moving will not materialize because HE is a God of perfect timing.  Maybe we hear what we want too and not what God called us to do.  Now, I don’t know what the Lord is telling anyone else because you have your own personal relationship with HIM.  What I am saying is just listen. 

God told Noah to build the Ark and around up two of every animal because there was a flood coming.  From my understanding and if I can remember nobody even knew what a flood really was at that time.  I am sure there could have been other things Noah wanted to do with his time and life.  Who knows?  What we do know is Noah built the Ark and did what God instructed him to do.  Not to my knowledge (somebody correct me if I am wrong) Noah never resisted and asked God why.  Can you imagine running around gathering animals and talking about a flood is coming?  I am sure people looked at him like a fool and thought he lost his mind.  Sometimes we are going to be given an assignment that most if not all people won’t understand.  The reason for that is because not everybody suppose to understand, not everybody suppose to travel on that journey with you, not everybody going to be supportive but if God said it than you do it.  In the end, HE got you covered if it is God talking to you.

I am not hear to say that I always have listen to what God told me and I know I have surfer for that.  I can remember one time thinking to myself but how will I be able to pay for that because I got a bills to pay.  I heard two pastors at two different times say when God speaks to you and tell you to do something it is not long drawn out conversation and everything is not revealed to you right away.  A stranger paid for my kids meal at a restaurant and he said God told him to do, so who was he to question God.  He said he didn’t know why and didn’t asked but just followed orders.  Little did he know that my sister really did not have the money to pay for my children’s food that day.

My question to you is; do you really want to hear God?  If his plans are different from yours, would you follow?